The Survival Guide to Hogwarts and the like
by death2society
Summary: History tends to leave the females out, including the Charlatan. They were the rivals to Marauders ever since they were formed. However these groups may be forced to merge together as the First Wizarding War approaches. Read A/N for warnings


**_Well, I have officially given up on my former stories. Proud? Yeah, me neither. Well fuck it, let's get down to business. We have the before generation of Hogwarts, mainly because everyone needs love. Like hell this will follow the books. Sorry, but I'm not JK Rowling. If I was, I'd be too rich for this site, just saying. So here is my first straight story. Excited? I am. The characters who I love who got no love will have love because I SAID SO DAMMIT!_**

**_Now on to the show:_**

* * *

**Welcome first years-**

**Ah, so another newbie has come to Hogwarts. While we can't personally greet them, we can do something. We, as the Crescent Gang, have decided to use our six years of knowledge in order to help you personally skate by at Hogwarts and have fun doing it. Our mistakes shall be used for something, and we don't want them to fall into a teacher's hands now, do we? Now get some Dungbombs and love us all. And remember, Slughorn is egotistical, McGonagall is scary, Flitwick is entertaining, Sprout has something coming out her head, Binns will eventually kill you in your sleep, and Sinistra is the worst teacher you will ever get. The DADA teacher will never stay for more than a year and eventually Divination will go out of style. **

**Officially signed by: Sarah Lauren Abbins, Emily Marie Frank, Avery de Celest, Rose la Iscorta**

_Sarah_

"Alright honey, we're here," my father said. He pulled up to the train station and I visibly relaxed. He and my mum had been driving me nuts, between trying to read my letters and spending an excessive amount of time with me. I was almost tempted to take up Rose's offer to stay with her for the entire summer, but I knew my parents would have a fit if I did. I got out of the car and suppressed the groan when they both got out of the car. I didn't know why they had to do this every year; it's not like it made it any easier for them to let me go.

Let me tell you, some days I wish I could have Avery's parents instead.

I grabbed my trunk and made my way to the train.

"Now make sure you write to us as soon as you get there," Mum said. She didn't look as upset as Dad, but she was still pretty upset.

"And don't do anything reckless, alright? We don't want to hear about you blowing up the toilets-"

"-or trying to kill Filch's cat-"

"-or stealing food from the house elves-"

"-or causing your Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher to have mental breakdown-"

"-or any of that. You are to behave this year." Dad looked at me sternly. "Do you understand?"

I nodded. "Yes, sir."

To be honest, most of those were not my ideas. Avery was the one who thought up most of them, mainly to past the time. It's just that I'm the one who ends up executing them, so my name gets shoved along with hers. Our professor's breakdown though? Totally my fault, but she shouldn't have given me an essay when I had three others to do. No one pulls that kind of stuff on me and gets away with it.

Dad hugged me and Mum ruffled my hair. "We'll see you Christmas break," they said. I waved and watched as they walked away.

No, I did not get mopey when they did, nor did I say "good riddance." I'm a teenager, not a monster. I just merely went to put my trunk on a cart and roll it to Platform 9 and 3/4.

I jumped when I felt an arm wrap around me and heard snickering. "Aw, is someone going to miss their Daddy?"

I knew that voice and my mood turned sour. I jerked Sirius's arm off of me and glared at him. "What's it to you, hm?"

He laughed at me. "Aw, do you want me to go call your daddy for you and tell him to beat up the bad man?"

"Go to hell, you bloody git. Make sure it's a long stay and hopefully by the time you come back, you've rotted enough to be considered a zombie and get shot 'tween the eyes at first sight." I turned around and walked my cart into a wall and onto Platform 9 3/4. Unfortunately, this did not deter Sirius. He followed me and only made me angrier.

"Aw, don't be that way, babe," he said. "Just because I rejected you during our third year doesn't mean you have to be so cruel."

I rolled my eyes. "It was for a dare," I said. "Do you understand that word: D-A-R-E."

Sirius shrugged. "Whatever you say. I know you still hold out some feelings for me."

I snorted. "Whatever gets you through the night. Now leave me alone. I've got to find Avery before she gets into any trouble."

Sirius paled. "I'll leave you then."

I should tell you a bit about Sirius's and my relationship. We both are in the Gryffindor House, which is the best house to be in. We have been friends since our first year, but more like drinking-buddies than anything else. He enjoys tormenting me, and I enjoy venting to him. Plus we do well together in Potions. (Notice, I said "well." We both are absolutely horrible at Potions, but ours do not become toxic fumes like Rose's.) That's the extent of our friendship. And, to clear up some of our reader's questions, I did like Sirius back in our third year. I also like Lucius Malfoy during my first year. I even liked Professor Tykes until he gave me that essay. I've liked a lot of people, but it is not like I would have expected anything.

The platform was crowded with wizarding families. That always ticked me off. I wished my family would have been able to come this close to the wizarding world. They would have loved it. No, instead they were forced to wait outside because they were Muggles. It used to piss me off in the beginning, but now I've just accepted the fact. At least I can send them presents from Hogsmeade now that I was old enough. My mother will never want for candy again.

I pushed through the crowd and got on the train. Now all I needed to do was find Emily or Rose and find the compartment we would sit in. I can't trust Avery with anything, so that should not be a thought in my head.

I ran into a girl and jumped back. I almost laughed when I saw who I ran into. "Hello, other me," I said when I pulled her up.

Lily Evans also looked amused. "Thanks," she said. "Glad to be heading back to Hogwarts?"

I nodded. "How about you?"

"Yeah," she said. "Petunia is being such a prat about it too. I'm glad to get away from that."

We stood there in this awkward silence. "Hey, have you seen Emily or Rose anywhere?" I asked. "We normally share a compartment together."

Lily giggled. "Yeah, Emily is a few down, on the right."

"Thanks," I said. We moved past each other awkwardly and went to hunt for our friends.

Lily is a nice girl. I never hated her, even when we both look almost alike (my eyes are brown while hers are green). We consider ourselves sisters from another mister, but we aren't very close. More like school-buddies than anything else.

I passed a very compartments and was relieved when I saw Emily outside hers. I walked to her and clapped her on the shoulder. "You have no clue how long it's taken for me to find you," I said loudly.

Emily jumped then scowled when she saw me. "Don't be so loud. I'm right here," she said.

"But I've missed you so much." I clung to her sleeve.

"Just get into the bloody compartment before I sock you."

I grinned and did as she said. I knew she would do that too. She was just that ruthless.

I sat down the compartment and leaned up against the seat. I was waiting for the trolley to come so I could get some Chocolate Frogs. Last year, I was almost addicted to Cauldron Cakes, so I refuse to give in to the temptation again.

The door opened and Emily plopped down next to me. It looked like there could be steam coming from her ears, and I scooted away from her. "What's the matter?" I asked.

Emily shook her head. "It's that damned Slughorn. He just riles me up sometimes. Makes me want to- hey has Rose come by yet?"

I shook my head. "Why?"

"Then Avery's on the loose."

My eyes widened. "Shit."

We both lunged for the door, but our brief moment of fear was unnecessary. The compartment door slammed open and Avery was shoved it. She landed in Emily's lap, who glared at her. Avery didn't notice. She sat up and brushed herself off, calm, which had me worried. When Avery was calm, bad things happened.

"We have to find Rose," she said finally.

Emily stared at her with confusion. "Well, isn't she with you? I thought you two always stuck together," she said.

I frowned also. "Rose doesn't need you to follow her everywhere. She doesn't need a babysitter. You, on the other hand-"

"Yes, yes, we all know your bloody opinion." Her eyes lit up and Emily shrunk back. I kept my gaze steady. It was easier to think of Avery as a puppy, always trying to watch out for her master. Which, essentially she was, but she has a far more dangerous bite than anyone I know. "But this time I need to find her. She forgot to take her pills and if she doesn't, then she will hurt someone and then Mother, God rest her soul, will be angry and try to smite me and how would I explain it to Father?" She grabbed my jacket and started shaking me. "Never in all my years of living have I ever disappointed him! I will be the scourge of the family! Do you know how difficult that is? _Do you?_"

Emily pried her off of me and shook her head. "You're being ridiculous. Just tell Professor McGonagall and-"

"I can't," she wailed. "I'm so ashamed!"

"You're being overdramatic, just- what the hell are you doing?"

I peeked through the hallway and looked to see if anyone was there. "What we need is a distraction," I said. "If we distract the teachers, then Avery can get into the prefect's compartments and give Rose her medicine."

"Or we can wait until we get to the castle, or better yet, walk up and give her the medicine." Emily crossed her arms, glaring at Avery and me. I waved her off. She knew this would be fun; she just didn't want to admit it.

"Emily, do you still have those Dungbombs your brother gave you for Christmas?" I asked.

She stuck up her nose. "I will not be a part of this," she said.

"Oh stop being such a pansy and hand it up," Avery said. "This is life or death, woman! Do you want to be responsible for someone's death?"

Emily scowled but grabbed her bag. She sifted through it and threw them at me. I nodded and she turned around. "I refuse to do anything else," she said.

I rolled my eyes. She wanted to be in this just as much as I did. I grabbed my rat (note to reader: rats are the worst pets in the world. If your mother forces a rat on you, just tell her you'd rather have nothing. It'll save you half the trouble.) and tied the Dungbomb on him. I released him into the hallway and watched, counting down the seconds. My rat, being a dumb rat, ran right to the first person it saw. That was Severus Snape, also known as Snivellus. He looked down, confused by the screaming thing clawing up his pants leg. And it exploded right in his face.

Was it wrong of me to laugh my ass off? Yes. Do I regret it? A twinge. Was it totally worth it? Probably not. But you should have seen him. It was the best beginning of the year I could ever get.

Avery rushed past me, knocked Severus into a compartment, and ran up the hall to deliver Rose's medicine. I couldn't get rid of the grin on my face. Students were coming out of their compartments to see what was the matter and got sick when they smelled it. I giggled and shut our compartment door. It was the best before school prank by far. All I need is some Nibblers to top this.

There was a knock on our compartment door and I opened it, still grinning. It fell when I saw a very red, very smelly Severus Snape holding my squealing rat by its tail.

"Oh, you found Escargot!" I took him and cuddled with the stinky rat. It was still mine after all.

Severus sputtered and glared. "I hate you," he said.

"I know." I looked him over. "You should really take a shower. It's starting to stink up the compartment."

Severus scowled. "Why don't you do us all a favor and put the mask back on?"

"What? I couldn't hear you with that d-"

I froze when I saw a professor, actually fuming, behind Severus. He turned around and jumped when he saw the professor also.

"Were you the three who lit the Dungbomb in the hallway?" The professor was old, wrinkled, and positively scared the crap out of me. I stared at him wide-eyed, unable to speak.

"Yes it was us," Emily said. Her head was low, but she shot a dangerous look to me.

I nodded. "Yeah, we set off the Dungbomb."

"All three of you have detention with me, Saturday evening at 9 o'clock sharp. No buts." He turned around and walked away, muttering about "kids these days".

I laughed when he left. "Well that was easy," I said. I scowled when I saw Severus still standing there, gaping like a fish. "Come on, one detention won't ruin your spotless record. Now leave us alone. We need to get ready for Hogwarts."

And thus our first day we got into trouble. If only I would have known that teacher was one of the worst possible. If only.

**I truly hope you enjoy. This is my first straight fanfiction. Let's not get me wrong; I love gay fanfiction. But I don't care anymore. Anyway, Harry Potter was left incomplete to me. Every character needs someone to love, including Voldemort. So this began. Though, I'll mostly focus on plot throughout the story. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed that and I hope you review. Otherwise, this can go into the trash along with the rest of them.**


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